Only in a Woman's World

Humor is good for the soul, and provides an excellent way for us to look at ourselves. Such a window of opportunity exists at "Only in a Woman's World".

Sponsored by Frito-Lay, this series on the web is really cute and does strike numerous cords in my heart, especially episodes 4 and 10!

Do you have Sew Know?

The Scene:

It's Saturday night, you are getting dressed to go out to have some fun with your friends, and you are running really late! You open up the closet, and the only appropriate shirt or top you can see is that one you bought several years ago that has been washed way too many times and is now really tight across your chest or bust.

One glance over your shoulder at the clock and your yank it off the hanger and slip it on. As you look in the mirror you can just hear yourself saying "OK, so it feels tight, and the buttons are straining . . . it should easily last the night!" You grab the rest of your stuff and off you go. After all, the friends are waiting!

Fast forward an hour. You are sitting at a table in your favorite eatery, and surrounded by friends and laughter. There is this absolutely amazing pizza on the table in front of you, which has a delightful aroma and tastes even better.

As you pick up the large piece on your plate and hoist it to your lips, the topping starts to slide off towards your lap and you quickly lean way over the table to save your outfit and hopefully not waste any pizza.

And then it happens! Just like in a movie.

You hear a pop, you feel that your chest can now expand, and you see this button cart wheeling high up in the air.

Everyone goes silent, and all eyes follow this spinning button as it completes it's arc through the air and lands smartly right in Jill's beer mug, with a sploosh and a splash!

If you are a guy, you are probably embarrassed but it may not be the end of the world. You now just look sloppy, which you hope is sometimes appealing, like right now!

If you are a girl, this could be disaster! You quickly look down at the girls to see exactly how much fresh air they are now enjoying. Naturally, it's way to much!

So What Do You Do?

Step 1: Damage Control!

With the Sew Know knowledge you are picking up today, you reach into your purse or wallet, and pull out an appropriate sized safety pin from the change compartment, and then excuse your self to visit the washroom to repair the damage.

You can now come back to the table looking reasonably put together, and your friends will have a good story about you that you will probably hear over and over for years to come.

Step 2: Mending if Possible

When you arrive home for the night, you will most likely have to remove the safety pin to extract yourself from your shirt or top, so make this a good time to really examine the damage.

First question: is the top REALLY too tight, and therefore an ideal candidate as a gift to charity, or is it repairable?

Assuming that you look good in it when it's somewhat tight, you should be able to easily repair the damage.

The tools needed for this include:

• Needle (sewing stores typically have these packs of 20 needles in various sizes for under a dollar or two). In this case, I'd suggest a needle that's around 1.5" and fairly skinny.

• Thread (again, you can pick up an inexpensive pack of 10 or so different colors at most stores). Try to match the colors of the threads on the remaining buttons to what you have.

• Scissors: In this case, a small pair with a pointed tip will work well.

• Thimble: useful if you are kind of a klutz. I use them occasionally.

• Patience: very useful if you have never done this before.

I haven't needed any more sewing stuff for a while, but I would estimate that all of the above, maybe excluding the patience, could be purchased for under $5.00 in the US if you look around.

There are many sites on the web that will explain the mechanics of how to actually do this, such as here. No need to reinvent the wheel.

The important message is that you get the simple things laid out above and try it. It's actually kind of fun to try, and you can feel good about your self, knowing that you can fix it yourself and not have to depend upon others!

Sew Here Is Your Homework

1. Head over to a local sewing center or discount store, and pick up a few things.

• A package of safety pins in assorted sized. Store a few of each size in the change compartment of your purse or wallet
• Small sewing scissors
• A package of assorted needles
• A package of assorted threads.

2. As you wash your clothes, start to pay attention to buttons, hems and other details on them. If you see something that needs repairing, do it now before it embarrasses you.

3. If something does pop off, step up and fix it yourself! This will be one more thing in your life you can easily handle.

Coming Up: The Mother / Grandmother Test! Stay Tuned . . .

Fending off a TRANS-DAR Alert - Update

Carolyn from the Sunshine state offers an additional suggestion for dealing with a Trans-Dar alert, which was demonstrated to her support group by Lacey Leigh several years ago.

"Two weeks after the support group meeting, I was out your area and shopping up at the Great Mall in Milpitas. I had my arms full of bags and stopped in the food court. I got a sandwich and drink, then sat down to eat. I could hear some snickering coming from one of the food booths and looked over to see two teenage boys and a girl. One of the boys was making remarks, but not loud enough for me to completely hear. I finished up and tossed away my wrapper and cup, then picked up my bags and walked straight towards them with a nice smile on my face. It really surprised them and you could see them getting nervous. I walked right up to the kid making the most noise and used a line Lacey had used two weeks earlier. "Not what you'd expect from a Vietnam Veteran, is it? You must have a thousand questions, what would you like to know?" With that, we had a nice 20 minute conversation and when I left, it was all "Thanks and have a great day." I constantly tell ladies in our group that a smile is your most important accessory."

Wide and Wonderful Spectrum of Gender

Thought #1:

"The sportos and motor heads, geeks, sluts, bloods, wastoids, dweebies, dickheads...they all adore him. They think he's a righteous dude."*

So why is this person Ferris so likable?

Thought #2:

There are as many variations of gender in humans as there are shades of color in the universe. And then you can slice those variations into multiple layers, as in:

• The gender you are presenting to the world at any given moment
• The physical gender you are born with.
• Your own image of what gender you are.
• What you have transitioned into (mentally and possibly physically).

And each layer possibly (or probably?) is different from the other layers at one time or another.

Thought #3:

Humans, being the carbon based life forms ** that they are, have a much better ability to cope with the other humans running around this planet when they are able to quickly look at you and somewhat automatically assign you to some sort of category of humanity that has been acquired in their mind, which, for right or wrong, is the label (and associated attributes) under which they will now interact with you.

Thought #4:

How do you, gentle reader, tie all this together to become a reasonably well adjusted, lovable, respected and appreciated member of the human race?

The road you choose will be much easier if you find an appropriate niche for yourself and embrace it. If your lifestyle, appearance and attitude fit one of the generally accepted categories of humanity mentioned above, you will be easily able to slip into and around social interpersonal situations because people can easily recognized your “category”, using a minimum of brainpower, and then they go on in their own world.

If you show up for a gallery opening wearing torn sweatpants and a top you got from Goodwill that’s three sizes too large for you, people will look at you strange and look for more signs and signals to help them figure out just what or who you are.

As an example, I’m a professional businesswoman, working at a Fortune 1000 high tech company. I wear work appropriate clothes on the job, and off the job, I wear nice, attractive outfits. Lord knows I will never win a beauty pageant, or even be what most people would consider pretty. But I try to blend in and look like I belong, and as a consequence, I’m always accepted as the woman I am, be it at the farmer’s market, Target, Macy’s, ecology walk, church, Starbucks, pride event, or the TSA security at the airport.

I also try to engage people. Smile a lot, ask them open ended questions, listen to their answers so you have more questions to ask them, and generally try to draw them out. I typically end up knowing much more about them, share very little about myself, and we both walk away feeling good because we had a nice conversation with someone else.

Something to think about!


* purloined from the film “Ferris Bueller’s Day Off”, in which Grace, Principal Rooney's secretary, explains to the dean about Ferris' popularity.

** With a long and respectful appreciation for Douglas Adams and his Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy series of books. Don't leave the planet without your blanket!

Fending off a TRANS-DAR Alert

This is one suggestion on how to handle a situation when you appear on someone’s Trans-Dar and they are trying to reconcile your appearance with what they perceive to be your gender.

The Scene

You are at the grocery store one afternoon, and have stopped in front of the fish counter to check out their current selection. As you bend over to peer though the glass, you become aware of hushed whispering off to your left, and as you look up this couple, about the same age as you, watch you intently with a frown on their faces as you stand upright again.

It’s bound to happen. Sooner or later, no matter how well you pass in your intended gender, someone is going to get confused by some clue that they are receiving from you and get frustrated because you don't automatically fall into one of their predefined gender stereotypes.

So you are now alerted to their confusion. The question is, what do you do about it?

Your Options

If they appear angry or hostile, your options are limited. Put some distance between you and them, if possible (and if the situation allows) leave with some grace and decorum so you don’t look like a startled rabbit escaping a rabid dog.

Suggestions here include:

• Going up to the check-out lane where there are more people, or talking with a manager or other employee. A stopgap measure till you can get out of the store.

• You may not want to go out to your car alone.

• If you are a woman, just ask for an escort out to your car. Just about every establishment will help you.

• If you are a guy, you can always ask that someone go help you out with a large bag of salt, or tell them you have something heavy you need to bring into the store and you hurt your back. Be a little creative here.

• And above all else, quickly run through your mind all the different ways you can protect yourself, so you are mentally prepared if needed.

So hopefully they are not angry, which gives you several more options:

• Completely ignore them

• Give them a mean look, or a shake of the head (or other gesture).

• Go talk to them
  

So What Do You Do?

If you ignore them (which I have done multiple times in the past myself), you possibly could feed their Trans-Dar alertness, as they had a question in their mind about you, and so they just might be even more alert for other situations.

If you give them a look, or a shake of the head (or other gesture), you also might just encourage their Trans-Dar alertness, as they had a question in their mind about you, and received a negative reaction from you.

Both of these are typical reactions from all of us in situations such as this. But please consider one other alternative.

Turn to face them.

Plant a large smile on your face, assume your most polite attitude, and walk over and greet them.

“Excuse me, but are you [pick a random person’s name] who used to go to [pick a random school name] in [pick a town]? You look so familiar, and all these great memories just ran through my mind when I saw you!”

You, gentle reader, have now put the shoe on the other foot, and are:

• Requesting them (in the conversational sense) to respond to your question.

• Validating to them that you, in the gender that you are currently presenting, have lived a significant portion of your life this way.

• Showing them that you are a real person, that’s friendly with feelings, emotions, and a good personality.

• Pretty much preventing them from mentally labeling you as some type of object then emotionally dismissing you.

• And finally, letting them know that their Trans-Dar was not tuned properly.

And in response to your question, they will in all likelihood say that they are from somewhere else, which then gives you the chance to exchange a little more small talk. Ask them a few other simple questions, and when you are ready, you can say something like “Well, it’s been really nice talking with you! Maybe we’ll run into each other again here.”

Congratulations! You have turned what could have been a situation where this couple left with negative feelings into something more personable, and polished your interpersonal skills in the process.

Here Is Your Homework

Practice what you will say when you encounter a situation such as this, which will let you handle this quickly with grace and dignity.

Always have an exit strategy if things don't go as planned.

Strength and Gender - An Easy Out!

The Scene

Several years ago I was at church, helping my fellow members of the woman's group get ready for a craft and rummage sale. We had brought in several boxes of items from our cars, and realized that the folding tables so prevalent in church meeting rooms had not been set up yet. They were leaning against a wall out in the adjoining hallway, waiting for someone big and strong to set them up.

Years ago, when I was young and male, I would have manhandled (pun intended) each table into it’s full upright position. Now however, I was surrounded by nine other women, all of which were standing around looking at the folded tables and the open space they should have been occupying, and three of them in various stages of expressing their emotions, varying from annoyance at the men who had agreed to help, to frustration at men in general.

[women – you need to practice this: when you are in a situation with at least one other women (and no men immediately near by) and something distasteful happens because of something a man did or didn’t do, you have to look at the other woman, slightly roll your eyes, and state in a stage whisper “men!”, keeping your voice in a lower pitch and rolling it out just like you have eaten a bad olive. The other woman should instantly look at you and agree, thereby further bonding the two of you together. I love doing this now! ]

I softly suggested to a close friend that three or four of us might be able to set the tables up ourselves, and Ellen looked at me like I crazy, and told me “that’s what the men are for! They will get it done in a minute . . . “

I understood, took the hint, and learned a lesson here.

Women:

Just because you may have been big and strong in a past life, and unless you are going for the “bull dyke” look and attitude (NTTIAWWT), you should not go around doing anything that will give anyone an indication how strong you are. People can get uncomfortable around physically strong women, they look at you kind of funny, and possibly start wondering about stuff you really don't want them to think about. Also you need to consider that after maybe 6 months of hormones, those husky male muscles you used to have are now starting to get smaller and weaker, and besides, it’s always more fun to talk to a guy, maybe even flirt some, and get them to help you.

Men:

You are now among the strong and the supportive. Get those muscles fired up, and as corny as it sounds, it never hurts to volunteer to help a woman move or lift something. It’s a great way to meet people. You practice your interpersonal skills, and in most cases, you walk away feeling a little better about yourselves.

So here is your homework:

1. Keep your awareness up so that you don’t get into a situation where you are exhibiting more strength than would be expected (or conversely, trying to do something you are not strong enough to do).
2. If you see someone needing help, ask them and then step in and help them out.
3. If you need help, smile a lot and ask nicely for help.
4. And Girls, practice that "Men!" verbalization above, and use it!

Personal Security

The Scene

It's 9:30 pm, and our Monday night film class is winding down. The instructor flips off the ceiling projector, looks up, reminds us about the homework due next week, and asks that we e-mail her if we have any questions. With that, the class is over, and my good friend Kay and I extract ourselves from the ancient cast iron and shaped plywood theater style chairs, and we walk down the two flights of stairs while I listen to the latest trials in her busy life.

We push through the large front doors, and get a beautiful view of the Stanford University campus at night. It's definitely dark out now, but the campus is lit with many light fixtures in and around the buildings. Not bright, glaring lights, but rather thoughtful, almost serene lighting, so you can easily see around you, but not so intense that it draws your focus from your thoughts.

The conversation ends, she reaches into her handbag, pulls out her keys and snuggly holds them in her hand; and gives me a quick hug before she turns and heads for her car.

I watch her walk away for a second then also turn around and head towards another street to reach my car, which is about 6 blocks away.

As I walk down the portico of these massive buildings, my heels click on the tile and echo off the walls while my minds ponders all the work issues I need to address in the morning. I suddenly look up, and realize that I have walked almost a city block without paying attention. The shadows are now longer, the lights fewer, and I can't see anybody around me.

What Am I Doing Wrong?

This is the perfect situation for a woman to be at risk; and I was doing just about everything wrong that I could to stay safe.

The Women's Self Defense Institute offers these wise self defense principles:

1. Stay aware of people in your surroundings.
2. Stay with people, go with people.
3. Keep a barrier between you and the bad guy,
4. Attract attention.
5. Control his hips and hands.
6. Use your strongest weapons against his weakest targets.

This is really critical for both transmen and transwomen, as both groups can be the target for hate crimes. Stay alert and you will stay safer.

Frightful Moments in Passing

Many years ago, an old friend I grew up with related this Frightful Moment in Passing.

George had been in San Francisco on business, and after a full day of meetings, the team he was meeting with decided to all go out for dinner at one of the local trendy restaurants.

As they walked in to the establishment’s waiting area, they were greeted by what would be considered, from a fair distance, to be a cute, college age girl, nicely dressed with her makeup and hair all done.

However, when they approached the hostess station, they realized that this fashionable girl also sported what looked to be a decent two day beard!

There was an awkward moment and the hostess finally asked then how many were in their party. The answer was returned and they moved off to a corner to wait, except one of their party, who was slightly inebriated by this time. He stopped, looked at her closely, and finally told her “You really need to shave!” The hostess kind of held her head down, and whimpered that she had been late to work after a few days off, and never had a chance to shave.

Enough said?

Passing Through the TSA

The Situation:

I had an opportunity to fly to another city to attend a trade conference. I seriously doubted that I would meet anybody I know, so I figured that this would be a perfect opportunity to take an entire trip en-femme! Unfortunately, I don't dress 100% en-femme, so all my government issued identity cards still have my male name on them.

After some research on the web, talking with friends and a TSA official, I was convinced that this is doable, so I made my reservations (in my male name) for the airline tickets.

Travel Day:

I'll have to admit that I was apprehensive. I wore a cute top, fashionable jeans, and flats. You still have to take your shoes off, and I have seen too many women struggle with getting tall boots on and off in the security line, and thought that this was too much to hassle with on this trip.

I first walked up to the airline counter to check my luggage, and the nice lady did look me up and down twice, finally smiled with a slight lean to her head, and wished me good travels. I passed the first hurdle!

I then stood in line and eventually reached the first security checkpoint, where they verify your identity. I gave them my passport (more on this in the homework section below) and my boarding pass, and waited. No bells went off. No doors flew open with storm troopers coming out. The TSA man did look at my face closely several times, then made the appropriate notations on the boarding pass, and said "Thank you" with a nod of his head towards the next line. That was it! I made it!

The X-ray line was cakewalk, as I had already taken all my jewelry off and was not wearing an underwire bra, so I collected my handbag and shoes, and off to the gate where I put my earrings, necklace, watch and bangles back on.

The rest of the trip was uneventful, and I was even asked if I needed help in collecting my luggage off the conveyor.

The Return Trip:

This was also the same treatment, looking between my face and the passport several times, but then saying "Thank you" and that was it!

So here is your homework:

1. Plan on traveling en-femme when it's appropriate!
2. Stay calm and collected when you travel. If you appear very anxious or uneasy, they will pick up on that and you will raise a red flag with security.
3. I would strongly suggest that you carry your driver's license and your passport with you when you travel, and use your passport for the identity confirmation. My logic in this is that when you take your ID out and hold it in your hand for a while, you have a larger probability of loosing it or misplacing it. Something you really don't want to do when traveling dressed! When you carry two separate IDs, even if you do happen to misplace your passport, you still have your driver’s license safely tucked away in your purse, so you can still get back home, rent a vehicle, a hotel room, and so on.
4. Enjoy your self and stay in the moment. As a women, you definitely have to pay more attention to your personal safety, and staying alert to your surroundings is the first step.

Bon Voyage my friend!

Acceptance Hands Down!

So here is the scene:

You are fashionably dressed and sitting in a popular coffee shop with a friend discussing the latest movies over coffee, when the hostess seats a nice looking couple at the table next to you.

The man, of course, will glance at your face to see if it falls into a traditionally wide acceptable range, and then automatically shift to your chest and what he can see of your butt and long legs. No surprises there.

But what will the woman look at? Chances are she will start with your hair, then face and makeup, then your outfit, and then to your hands.

Based upon her observations, she will decide if you are a threat to the relationship she has with the man, partially based upon your hands and if you are wearing a wedding ring.

So why the hands?

Several reasons:

Do you have a wedding ring? No ring probably means you are looking for companionship; and her companion is right beside you.

Do you take care of your hands and nails? This is a good indicator of how you take care of yourself overall. Dry and rough hands are very obvious!

Your hands will also help revel your true age to help her in your assessment of you.

So how should you take care of your hands?

* Avoid letting them dry out by always using hand lotion.
* Keep your cuticles in shape.
* Your nails should always be clean, nicely shaped, and even across all fingers. You definitely don’t want a nail or two broken back to the quick while the rest are long!
* If you can, keep a layer of clear polish on to protect them. I personally have trouble doing this as the polish tends to wear off on spots after a day or two. Very unbecoming.
* If you can, a manicure even now and again is very nice! Not only will they make your hands look beautiful, but they typically also massage your fingers, hand and wrist. I love that part!

You should also consider making sure that you keep shaving off any hair on your fingers. Unfortunately it's kind of a giveaway, as I found out several years ago.

It was Halloween, and I was dress to the nines in this cute outfit I had picked up. I stopped for a moment in a small store on the way to my destination, and as I finished my purchase, the gentleman behind the counter asked if I was in costume. I kind of sheepishly grinned and confirmed his suspicions. He told me that I looked very convincing (for which I'm still grateful ;-), but then he told me that it was the hair on my fingers that gave me away.

Lesson learned for this girl!

So here is your homework:

1. Pay careful attention to your hands so that you can easily recognize when they are dry.
2. Always use lotion on them and don’t let them dry out.
3. Keep your fingernails clean.
4. After showering, use an “orange stick” to push up the cuticles.
5. Keep your nails filed and nicely shaped.

Stay beautiful!

Linda

Your 201 Checklist!

Here Is The Scene:

You are supposed to meet a girlfriend for brunch but are still at home, it's taken an hour to get ready, and while you are slightly frazzled and running late, you are just about to walk out the door.

So what is the last thing you should do before grabbing your purse?

Use Your 201 Checklist!

I developed this technique after repeatedly leaving the house missing one thing or another. So just before I leave, I stop and mentally run through this list to make sure I'm ready to meet the outside world.

Start at the top of your head:

• Hair looks good from front, sides, and back.
• I remembered to use hairspray (if needed).

• I have my earrings on and they go with the outfit.

• My make-up looks good, and is well blended.
• No black blobs of mascara where they don't belong.
• Lipstick looks good.
• No lettuce or other food on the teeth.

• Slight hint of perfume.

• Necklace in place and positioned properly.
  

• All the buttons on the top properly fastened.
• The girls are where they should be.
• Your top and skirt are not inadvertently tucked in somewhere.
• Skirt, slacks or jeans look good. No spots, cat hair, or open zippers or buttons.

• You have your watch, rings, bracelets you wanted to wear.

• If you have hose on, it's straight with no runs.
• Your shoes look good and they are clean with no major scuffs

And finally...

• I have my keys, cell phone, purse, makeup case, and anything else I was supposed to bring with me!

So there you go. Feel free to suggest things I might have overlooked!

Handwriting and Voice

It's pretty much a given that all of us need to keep practicing our voice from now to doomsday, especially if you wish to sound completely convincing over the phone. I know I do, I accept that, and I keep working on that.

But handwriting remains my other challenge, and this is a not so obvious downfall. Especially at times like yesterday, when I was over at Nordstrom's Rack, and found a great pair of Not Your Daughters Jeans. I love the fit and the styles, but typically they run around $115 a pair. The Rack had several styles on sale for under $40, which is too nice of a deal to pass up!

So after standing in line and practicing tossing my hair over my shoulder a few times, I pulled my credit card out, handed it to my cashier, and then proceeded to sign my name to the charge slip.

And then it struck me. I have the handwriting of a deranged scribbler, and I should have the very neat and precise cursive handwriting as my Mother proudly displayed for many years. Which means . . .

Homework Assignment to Self:

Practice my handwriting till it's neat and precise, and would make my Mother proud.

What's This Mean?

Trans-Dar - this is a spin-off of the word radar, with the implication that occasionally a person can sense when a person that they are watching is a transgender. A synonym of Gaydar.

Welcome to Passing 201

Welcome to my Passing 201 blog, where our goal is to help you present yourself as the wonderful person you are and be completely accepted by whomever you encounter.

So if this is the 201 class, so to speak, what is 101 then?

I'd consider your "101" education as those first steps into the world as the person you want to be. Maybe not completely "dressed", possibly hyper-ventilating occasionally as I did, probably scared to death that someone would catch you.

But you have survived those first tentative steps like many of us have, you have learned the basics, and now you need to evolve to the next level not only for your own sanity, but so that you feel very comfortable and accepted by the people you encounter.

Welcome!

By discussing a wide variety of topics, including how to interact with people, clothes, accessories, make-up, poise & movement, finance, and security, and getting the feedback and suggestions of our peers through this blog format, we really hope that we can all evolve and grow into the people we need to be.

I'll also be adding resources and tools to help you as needed. And as always, feedback only helps everyone to learn and grow!

Hugs,

Linda